Or, Nothing Is What It Seems
(Prosperity - Rebecca M. Haggerty) Explaining why couples can't talk about money gets complicated. Reading this, you'll notice the shrink sounds like a lawyer, the lawyer mentions hugging, the financial planner emphasizes relationships, and the marriage counselor uses the language of an entrepreneur. Everyone veers between channeling their inner Oprah and out-toughing Gordon Gecko. Money, it turns out, makes everyone just a little crazy.
“Money is absolutely the number-one issue that couples fight about,"says psychiatrist Gail Saltz, author of Anatomy of a Secret Life. 
Maybe that' s because they spend so much time lying about it. This past Valentine's Day the online payment company Paypal released a survey in which a jaw-dropping 82 percent of respondents admitted to hiding purchases from their significant other.
So what's wrong with a little mystery between lovers? Linda Hamm, a bankruptcy attorney in Victoria, Texas, describes not one but two recent cases she handled where one partner neglected to tell the other that their house was about to go into foreclosure. Unfortunately, when the bank comes to collect the keys to your jointly-owned home, no one cares about your communication difficulties.
Does the prospect of hashing out finances with your partner feel as appealing as elective root canal? You’re not alone. “People feel greed, guilt, and shame around money,” explains Saltz. Money, like sex, radiates taboos and demands secrecy.
And even the most innocent discussion about dollars can send you back to childhood, emotionally. “The first question people should ask themselves [when the discussion gets heated] is, ‘Why am I having that reaction? What does it have to do with the messages I got as a kid?” suggests New York City psychotherapist Michael Cohen. Cohen, in practice for more than twenty years, says he has never counseled a couple who didn’t have money issues. His advice? Stop focusing on what your partner does wrong, (satisfying as that may be) and stock up on self-knowledge.
Do you agonize over purchases, or does “frenzy” describe your shopping style? Does Quicken delight your inner control freak, or does the mention of budgeting bring on a desperate urge to nap? The more scrutiny you give your own behavior and motives, the easier it will be to figure out a realistic plan of attack when it comes to managing money as a couple. [A good place to start is with our “know-your-own-financial personality” quiz]
Because money holds such an emotional charge, Clare Stentstrom, a financial planner, believes that it’s time for The Money Talk as soon as a relationship gets serious. Stentstrom says that couples who practice full disclosure before marriage, including a credit report, have a more comfortable relationship with money after they marry.
Whatever you do, don’t avoid the discussion because it’s painful. If you aren’t in control of your money, you don’t have a handle on a massive chunk of your life. Bankruptcy attorney Hamm regularly receives bear-hugs from clients overwhelmed with relief when they finally face up to their debts. For many, though, their marriage has already paid a heavy price. “I get so many referrals from divorce attorneys, or I refer clients to divorce attorneys,” she muses. “But maybe if they had talked about their finances to begin with they wouldn’t end up talking about divorce.”
So take a deep breath and in the words of that ad, just do it. Have the money talk. Someday, your savings account will thank you.
For more on this, find out how one couple who survived The Money Talk launched The Budget Project.
